Our First Time

I was a very shy undergraduate student studying geology. In my second year I decided to take a summer field school to find out what my career as a field geologist would really be like. The class was to be held in the Yukon and would be several weeks of camping after being dropped off via a helicopter. I was so excited, and yet nervous at the same time. It was my first experience doing such a long-term camping trip, and my first time being this remote with no chance of outside communication. But still, it was a good time to ‘get away from it all.’

I want to start out by saying that I don’t have a good history with relationships. I had (have) great parents and an amazing brother, but I was forced to spend a lot of time with one grandparent who was quite abusive. I didn’t fit into her mold of what the ideal little girl should be, and she took this to be a personal offence. My parents weren’t aware of what was going on, and since I had been brought up mostly in her presence, I didn’t know that how she treated me was wrong. By the time I was a teenager I was convinced that I was an abomination that no one could ever love.

So when a rather good looking and quiet boy took an interest in me I didn’t really know how to respond. I was shy, insecure, and thrilled that someone had noticed me. Unfortunately, I should have stayed away. He was as emotionally controlling as my grandmother and used my insecurities against me to keep me under his control. After several months of this his pressuring me to have sex became more insistent. I should mention here that I was 15 years old, and he was 19. One night, he asked me to meet him at a party at one of his friend’s house. I had to sneak out of my room because my parents had a strict curfew for me. Once I got there, I realized the ‘party’ consisted of him, his friend and one other. The third person left soon after I got there, leaving me alone with my boyfriend and his friend.

When he started trying to make out with me, I objected. I was uncomfortable doing this in front of his friend. But what I didn’t know was that this was a carefully planned evening meant to be focused on me being the center of attention and being shared between the two of them. I tried to get away, but they were much stronger and bigger that I. They took turns holding me down while they had their way several times. Keeping me quiet by constricting my throat so I could barely breathe, never mind try to scream.

Eventually they passed out and I was able to get away. I ran the whole way back to my home and sneaked back into my room. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t cry. I lay there staring at the wall. As soon as morning came, I locked myself in the bathroom. I showered three times, scrubbing my skin raw, then poured a scalding hot bath to try and burn the memory of them touching me out of my mind. Did I go to the police? No. Did I tell my parents? No. Why? Because the evening proved everything my grandmother had instilled in me since I was a toddler. I was no good. No one could ever really love me. And to make matters worse, I had disobeyed my parents and sneaked out of the house to go to the party. I felt the whole thing was my fault.

After that incident I stayed away from boys. I alternated between turning inward and being a loner to trying to have friends and joining clubs at school – still trying to figure out where I fit in. I had friends, but they didn’t know anything about what had happened. It was two years before I had sex again. It was with a boy I had known since middle school. We were good friends and was one of the few people I trusted. We weren’t dating, it was a one-night thing. But he was kind and gentle and even though he didn’t know my history, he could tell I was nervous. He went slow, didn’t pressure me, and made sure I was enjoying myself. Even though he didn’t realize the significance of that night I will forever be grateful to him for showing me a different side of sex.

From that point on until I met Niall, I did date a little. I had one long term boyfriend that lasted nearly a year when I was 19, dated a few guys off and on after that, but didn’t feel anything for them. In fact, I just felt numb inside. And it didn’t help that the guys who chose me were often not good people. I couldn’t get out of our small town fast enough and as soon as I got accepted into university I was gone. I wanted to be away from my grandmother, away from the memories, and away from anyone who knew me. I threw myself into my studies knowing full well that the discipline I had chosen, geology, had zero job prospects in my hometown or anywhere near there. I had no intention of going back.

I flourished in university. I loved my courses, I enjoyed my professors, I made some good friends who I had plenty in common with. And the best part of all was that no one knew anything about me or my past. I felt like I could start over. While I was still very shy, I had gained some confidence and was finding joy in life. When my professors encouraged me to attend a summer field school, I took their advice and found one that sounded interesting. I couldn’t wait to go and expand my horizons.

The camping spot was idyllic. The edge of a serene lake with lush tree cover. There were 17 of us in total – 15 students and two teachers. A decent sized group.

When the helicopter dropped me off, I could barely contain my excitement. I found a tent with my name tag on it and moved off into the bush a bit away from the main group to set up where I would have quiet and privacy. As I finished setting up my camp site I stepped out of my tent and came face to face with an older man – one of my instructors, Niall. He was coming over to make sure I had set everything up well and had everything I needed. My breath caught. Dark eyes met mine and captivated me. I honestly can’t recall what he said, or what I said. All I was conscious of was a magnetic pull towards him. I took a step back, answered his question. He looked at me for a moment, then walked back to the main group. That night after dinner we went around the campfire introducing ourselves. Niall made a point to mention that he was married. I blushed as I immediately thought his comment was meant for me as a warning. Keeping that in mind I was content to mind my business and keep my distance. But I couldn’t help but admire him from afar and wonder why I felt this pull. I had never felt any connection to anyone before.

The first few days of the trip were a bit awkward. I have never been able to shake my shyness and was never the most social of people. I am awkward around large groups of people I don’t know. My friend and classmate from university, Beth, was good at introducing me around and everyone was kind and welcoming. I began to relax and enjoy the company. Our days were spent learning the ins and outs of conducting fieldwork. From bush navigation, survival skills, to learning how to study the geology and interpret the area and how to take proper samples. In the evenings we took turns cooking dinner in groups. People drank, guitars came out around the campfire. It was heaven.

On the third week we were given an assignment. We had to choose between two overnight trips further into the wilderness – one was along the waterways via boat, the other over land hiking. The task was to get to our destination – which was a full day’s trek, camp, spend the next day collecting samples and writing notes to support our analysis, camp again that night, then head back to our base camp. I love hiking, so I chose overland. As it turns out, I was the only student who did. We didn’t know which instructor was heading which trip. When I found out Niall would be leading the overland trip I nearly switched to the other choice, but I felt that would be rude. Besides, Niall was married, and had shown no interest in me whatsoever, so I felt secure that I didn’t have to worry about him.

The hike the next day was amazing. It was grueling, but so quiet and peaceful, and the scenery was stunning. We had to carry everything on our backs including our tents, food and sampling gear. We had 15 kilometres to go so we kept a pretty brisk pace. It was hard, but I was determined to not let Niall see me as weak. We kept up a pleasant conversation but were also just as comfortable with silence so we could listen to the birds and other animals.

When we finally arrived at our spot, I was relieved to get my pack off my shoulders and relax my now aching muscles. I spent a few minutes stretching and moving my shoulders and arms to ease the tension that had built up over the day. Niall and I prepared and ate dinner. Our somewhat necessary closeness while working to prepare our food shook me. Again, I felt a pull between us. It scared me and excited me at the same time. I had never felt anything like it. I did my best to keep my distance. This was my own reaction and I was determined to not let him know he affected me. That just standing next to him was enough to excite me and make me moist.

As we sat by the fire after dinner Niall saw me moving my head to stretch my neck muscles. I was quite sore and after the hard trekking we did that day I was not ashamed to admit it. He asked if I was okay. I said I was just a bit sore. His response was that he had some liniment with him that would help. I was grateful and accepted his offer. I was worried about how sore I would be in the morning and if I would be able to do my work well.

I felt his hands before he actually touched me. I inhaled as his fingers made contact with my skin and couldn’t help but lean back a little when he started smoothing liniment over my back. As his hands slowly moved over my skin, I felt myself grow more moist. He started at the back of my neck and worked the liniment into my neck and shoulders expertly. I was determined to not let him know how I was reacting. I didn’t want to make things awkward. Did I imagine it, or did his fingers slip inside my shirt a little?

His hands began moving over my upper back and working their way over my shoulders and neck in a light massage. I thought I heard his breathing change but decided I must have heard wrong. Getting lost in the riotous sensations Niall was rousing in my body I closed my eyes and tilted my head back slightly. His hands moved to my neck, working the tension from my muscles. I was so lost in the sensations that I didn’t notice his hands moving lower down my chest. The next thing I knew his hands had moved into my shirt and were cupping my breasts. He pushed back on my breasts until I was leaning back against his chest. I tensed for a minute, not sure if I wanted this to happen. But before I could protest my nipples had hardened into his palms, his laboured breaths were teasing the sensitive skin of my neck and I was lost in sensation.

I leaned back into him and arched my back, pressing my breasts into his hands more firmly. He took the hint and began kneading my breasts firmly. My breath caught as he pinched my nipples lightly. The feelings were so intense I felt I was losing balance. My hands moved to his thighs to stay steady. Understanding this to be an invitation he moved his lower body closer to me. I could feel his hardening penis against me. And with this action I was lost.

A low rumbling sound escaped his mouth as he moved his lips from behind my ear, down my neck, to my shoulder. I felt his teeth graze my skin as he nipped at my shoulder and I could feel my clit throbbing. My hips began to make tiny involuntary movements against his groin as my hand sought his erection through his pants.

One hand was removed from my breast and came up to turn my chin so he could see my face. He stared into my eyes for a moment and then his lips caught mine and his tongue pushed past my lips. I moaned softly as his hand moved down my torso between my legs. After a couple of gentle caresses, he moved his hand into my panties to feel my wetness. With a groan he rubbed his fingers over my clit, making me shudder and gasp in his arms. With fingers sliding over and over my clit, moving through my wetness, I could not keep my hips still. Small movements thrusting up to push my clit more firmly against his fingers. My breath came faster, and soft moans came involuntarily from my lips. I could feel his breath on my neck, and his hand squeezing my breast and nipple harder as his fingers worked my clit faster and harder. I knew I was close. I tried to rub his erection through his pants in an attempt to help him cum with me but at the same time he plunged a finger deep into me, rubbing my clit with the heel of his hand. I cried out as I came hard, grinding my clit harder into his hand as my juices flowed over his fingers and he pinched my nipple almost painfully. He bit my shoulder and groaned. He hadn’t cum, but he stopped my hand from rubbing him and brought the palm of my hand to his lips. As he kissed my palm his tongue slowly ran over my skin.

As I became more aware of the world around me, I realized it was dark. He kissed my lips one more time the look in his eyes promised me more passion. I asked if we should go to his tent. He must have been very uncomfortable with his pants straining to control his erection. His response was not what I had expected. He said he couldn’t and reminded me that he was married. I was shaken back to reality. What had I done?! How could I have let that happen when I knew he was married? I was ashamed. Ashamed of being so wanton, ashamed of responding the way I did, ashamed of being so forward, and most of all, ashamed that I didn’t stop him. I was also hurt. I was apparently still not good enough.

I smiled and lied and said I understood. I retreated into my tent for the night. I lay awake most of the night worrying about what had happened. Will he hate me now? Will he think I am a slut for being with a married man? And most of all – how can I complete this field school with the feelings I felt for Niall, knowing we can’t be together. This was the first man I had ever known who made me truly feel. And boy was the feeling intense! What do I do now?